According to my ex-girlfriend (self-identified femme and butch connoisseur) there are two kind of butches: the ones that don’t like their breasts and try everything to hide them and the ones that don’t mind about their breasts and let them flop around freely most of the time. No mention of a butch category that like nice bra’s and showing cleavage and wearing tight t-shirts… If there are, also fine for me by the way.
I’m in the first category: There are days I can stand them, there are more days that I hate them. There are no days that I like them. That’s since the day I got them, about 26 years ago. When I look in a mirror, it’s like the top part doesn’t match with the rest. I feel more attractive with a flat chest and extremely more confident. Why? I don’t know, it’s just like that. I guess it’s hard to understand for some people, but I know there are lots of butches (and other lesbians who don’t identify as butch) who know exactly what I mean. It’s got nothing to do with wanting to be a man, I am just a self-identified butch woman who likes a flat chest more…
Since 2008 I feel a bit better with my chest, after discovering that much of my discomfort could be taken away with wearing a binder. Since the binders made by Danae are very comfortable to wear (you always have to get used to it ) I don’t wear bra’s or sport tops at all. Even though wearing a binder made me feel better, three years ago I seriously considered having top surgery and got a referral from my doctor. Talking with my doctor about this took me all my courage. I felt very isolated with my problem, I didn’t know who to talk to, I didn’t feel like a woman, but I realized I didn’t want to be a man either and what else was there? I decided I would be happier and more confident with an operation. Around that time, I also met some special people who made me realize I was not the only one with these feelings. I finally talked about my problem, about my feelings, my insecurities and slowly I changed. It made me feel stronger to know there were lots of women like me. Who dealt with existing on the edge, refusing to fit in the two-gender system, sharing many things and having similar body insecurities. It was as if all the parts of my life puzzle fell together. I realized I was part of a big worldwide community, a divers butch world and I was proud to identify as one from that moment on. It made my life better. I knew now that I didn’t have to like my breasts, that it was not abnormal or weird to feel like that, that I could just say I didn’t want them to be touched, or at least, not without permission, that it was my choice to include them in my sexuality or not. In a way, it took away the focus of my problem, I got less fixated on them, I felt more comfortable with my body and somehow excepted they were a part of me.
It didn’t all change: I still don’t like them, I like my chest to be flat, I wear my binder every day and feel less confident when I’m not wearing it (I definitely won’t get out of the house without it, only in case of fire perhaps 🙂 ) and I have to admit I’m slightly jealous of those who did have top surgery and consider them very brave and beautiful. But for now, I decide to be a proud butch, with breasts and binder.